I'm learning that my life will never be perfect. I, of course, have always known this in my mind, but I don't live that way. I get caught up in all the little imperfections of my day and the ways I've missed the mark. My life becomes an endless to do list of trying to get it right, trying to get it all done so it is neat and tidy. And at night I lament the ways I've messed up or question if I've done enough or gotten it right. I worry myself into paralysis. And why? I will never get it right, not this side of heaven at least.
Slowly but surely, one moment at a time, I'm accepting this and coming to grips with the fact that life is imperfect and messy and I'm okay with that. My body will never be perfect (or my expectation of what it should/could be), our finances will never be perfect (or what my neighbors have and can do), my kids will never be perfect (shockingly, they are human and have idiosynchrasies, quirks and issues of their own, though I don't think they know it yet) and my house will never look or be perfect (why is it that as soon as I pick things up at one end of the house, the other end has grown clutter of it's own?? And why do we dust when it will just show up again the next day?) I can't change life's abounding imperfections. They are a fact of life, right along with the cliched taxes and dying.
So...I can either stress about it everyday, all the inconsequential trivia of it, or I can accept it as the way things are and live my life anyway...around it, through it, and despite it. Why let something I cannot change, ruin the one life I have to live? Why let my exaggerated expectations mar the moments of my life?
Am I doing enough in teaching my kids (striving to be the perfect teacher in a perfect learning environment)? Heck, I don't know, but I'm trying! Rather than getting uptight and burdening them with it, why not take a walk on a beautiful day with them? Play a game? Listen to their stories? Laugh with them while we watch a silly show (they are watching my response and they love it when I smile and laugh) or read them a good book? They may not be rocket scientists when they grow up, but they will grow up knowing they are loved and valued. They will grow up knowing they are accepted faults and all...because NO ONE is perfect and we just do the best we can, right?
Instead of trying to be perfect in my eating, reaching the perfect number on the scale (throw it out the window is my advice) why not enjoy that cookie that tastes so good, take a nice, vigorous walk around the block, eat a beautiful red apple, and be exuberant, rejoicing in what my body can do for me & how well it serves me.
Instead of burdening my husband with a long, never-ending list of things to do so "everything gets done", why not hug him, set him free and give him the chance to relax and unwind? He'll be a happier, more whole person if I do, and the dividends will be limitless.
Bemoaning the lack of travel to exotic spots? Creativity opens up many doors to exploration and discovery. What about the good old-fashioned road trip? Family bonding and natural learning at its best! Pack a few books, bring a sketch pad and some jokes and hit the road! We'll remember it always.
Envying the friend's spotless house, or her housekeeper and gardner and new leather sofa? Well, why not open my eyes and really look around me. Life ain't that bad! A little messy, perhaps, and worn through in places, but pretty darn good nonetheless. We are truly lacking for nothing.
Finances tight? Budgeting not as successful as I expect it to be? Lay it at His feet and surrender it. Let Him do His work in me. Besides, God has always provided. Maybe it is an ongoing lesson of trusting and relying upon Him.
Instead of criticizing my kids in my weak attempts to make them what they should be, why not love them. Love conquers all I've read. Speak kindly and compassionately, for I crave God's grace for me, why not extend it to them as well. Struggling with their issues? Pray. Pray for wisdom, patience, mercy.
In the end, relationships are not perfect, but you keep working at them and love through the imperfections. My body is not pefect, but I do my best to take care of it and appreciate it for what it can do. I'm not the perfect mom, but I love my kids more than words can say. My house is not immaculate, but it is cozy and lived in. I make mistakes and stumble along the way, but God uses those road bumps to teach me. Life hurls things my way that constantly throw me for a loop, trip me up and turn my life inside out. I strive to right-side it up again and make it as it should be. Am I always right? Rarely. But I do what I can, the best I can, and God's grace covers the rest.
I'm giving up my endless striving for perfection. I'm shaking it off and leaving it behind. I'm freeing myself from this self-imposed prison of worry, doubt and self-recrimination and accepting that life is the way is it. I will never be good enough, but Jesus is. He accepts me the way I am. He sees my imperfections and loves me anyway. I am covered by the blood of the lamb and made spotless in His holiness. That is worth holding onto for dear life. All the rest, I can let go of.
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